30 decembra, 2008


it's 1:45 am and now, as well as many times, i ask how is it possible for God to even look at me. how can He look down on me and see what a sinner i am and not to destroy me. God's love and sacrifice are the reason why it's possible for Him to love us, even though we don't love Him always.

and this is not suppose to me a mere thought about our sinfulness (not at 1.45 am, for that maybe a better time) but it's a serious thing that's still in my mind. and now when i look back into this past year i see so much that i regret and that i've done wrong. i see myself going against God so many times and so many times He told me it was wrong what i was about to do. but my desires and my fear made me not to listen to His words and i chose to go my own way. and still i am here. i can be on my laptop at 1:45 am and write on this blog. and of course i wasn't evil all the time but that's not the point. the point is i (we) go against Him so many times and so many times do it willingly and still knowing what we're going into. and we're too weak to resist the sin and when we fall into it and we realize how much we need God's grace. then we turn back to Him and He's always there. but the next day we turn away from Him to go our own way. then we mess up again and we ran back to Him and He receive us again. and this goes over and over.

out of all the kind of things there's one that we can be always sure of. and that is that God is still there and never turns His back to us. everytime we mess up we can be sure there's a place for us where we can find what we need - grace. but we can't use this place of forgiveness just to go there and get what we want and then run back into the mess we just came from. we got to change. there is a sin i've been struggling with ever since i became a christian. and so far (after a year and a half) i have not succeeded in leaving the sin behind me. and i ask myself: how long do you want to go against Him? how much more time will it take you to turn away from the sin and run into His arms of love. it's so hard for me to see myself, on one hand as a christian, and on the other as a great sinner. but God sees us in a completely different way. in this way it doesn't matter what we do but what somebody else did. and that is the only reason why i'm able to write on this blog so late tonight to you all.
just because of the grace.

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