01 júla, 2009

Life Without Joy

Is it even possible? To live a life without the presence of joy? Can our lives be ever joyless? Well, that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. As I wrote in my previous post, there’s something going on in my life that I was not able to name. I didn’t even know what was it. Now I do. And it makes a lot bigger difference. Let me explain…

In order to figure out what went wrong I needed to know when it went wrong. When did I stop feel joy in my life? I found out that it’s been two months since the joy in my life started decreasing. What went wrong though? I was thinking…have I done anything that I need to repent of and that’s the reason why I’m cut off from it? I’ve searched my mind, my heart and my soul before God and I didn’t find any sin I would not repent of. Let me tell you how it feels like. You know, the way I feel in these past weeks is that I don’t rejoice. Paul says in first Thessalonians 5:16: Rejoice always; but I was not able to rejoice at all cause there was no joy that I would feel. So what was I suppose to do? I am suppose to rejoice always and yet, I am not able to.

I looked inside of my heart and asked the question: Do I still want to serve? Do I still love God? Those are really scary questions to ask. And you know what I saw? I saw a fire in my heart, a passion to serve…but the fire did not give any heat. There was a fire (willingness to serve) though I didn’t feel the heat of the flames. I had strong desires to serve just any way I could. I wanted to serve the Lord. But emotionally, I didn’t have anything from it. My life was with feelings but without emotions. Last Friday I walked the dog and I was thinking and I said to myself: Marek, you should be crying out for help. The tears should be running down your face. Because it is miserable with you. But you know what? I wanted to cry. But I couldn’t. There weren’t emotions for me to cry. And that made me even more scared. After the walk I went to the Building because we were having our last Friday there. As I was walking on the bridge suddenly something broke within me. And that made me to put my face in my hands and bow my head on the handrail and I started to cry out load. It wasn’t just tears running down. If you walked by me you would hear me there. There ware people walking beside me but I didn’t care. I was crying there and I knew that only Jesus can help me now. I cried: Lord, please help me. I need You. I can’t take this any longer. I need Your help. Then I stood up and kept on walking toward the Building with the tears on my cheeks.

Then I came to the Building and I said to Miriam that I must talk to her today. Later she was in the office and I told her what’s going on with me and that I don’t know whether I make the camps if God won’t move something inside of me. She smiled at me and said: Welcome in the ministry and you’re being in the middle of a spiritual warfare. I was like: What? We talked for quite a while and then we prayed. I must tell that it was a great help to me. To talk to somebody and to have somebody to pray for me. But knowing my enemy didn’t make it any easier. But at least now I know who I am fighting with.

Friends, I’ll be honest. It’s not good at all. On Sunday we’re starting English camps and it’s going to be hard. And I don’t mean it now that it’s going to be hard to do the camps but it’s going to be hard for me to put my heart into it. You know why? Cause I don’t feel anything but sorrow. And I need God to fill my heart with His love and joy. And not just fill it up I want Him to give me so much joy and love that my soul would overflow and could give away to those I minister to.

Please pray, if you can…


Žiadne komentáre: